Revise application essay (personal statement) to graduate school

I’m studying for my Application Writing class and don’t understand how to answer this. Can you help me study?

This essay is a personal statement for me to apply to graduate school, and it is focused on Statistics and Data analysis. Please help me to revise the logic, grammar, structure (something that I may not express clearly), and add some deep ideas that you think may help me apply the graduate school. Please use another color to revise!! Thank you!!

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